To mom ... with love

Deep in an envelope cocooned I lay

Nestled in the womb all warm and wet

Little did I know it was you, bearing me

Despite all warnings you fought to keep me alive

With each moment risking yourself, for me giving it all

I risked your very being but all you did was pray

Even when your life for my survival you had bet

You bore the pain in silence till the hours wee

Then took me in your arms and taught me to survive

Smiling through the tears you took home your baby doll

In your children you were wrapped up every single day

Your whole life revolving around ours you had always set

Every cut every cry, omnipresent you would somehow see

Yours was a job round the clock, not a mere nine to five

In the comfort of your embrace you could heal any fall

Holding our hands, always there, you never let us stray

Before we even asked, our every wish you have met

You taught us the alphabets and numbers one two and three

Then guiding us along into the unknown world you helped us dive

We grew and learnt but to you we were still your babies small

With uncertain stumbling steps we trudged along the way

Left you behind as we discovered the world and found things to covet

Thought we were grown up and smart and sought to be free

Turning into rebellious teenagers we made you shout and strive

But you were always there when hurt and heartbroken we would bawl

As we matured, over time blossomed a friendship that couldn’t sway

Fights turned to confessions; you became my soul mate, my safety net

From arguments to discussions we had somehow now started to agree

With my hand firmly in yours I dealt with every bump along the drive

It all felt so perfect and safe that I wished for time to slow down to a crawl

And then so suddenly and painfully it all ended and you were taken away

Leaving us bereft and shattered, consumed with pain and regret

Lost and in unbearable anguish I now feel hollow and empty

Stability and strength in you that I had seen I now need to derive

Emulate how when faced with adversity you had forever stood tall

I know you are still in everything around me and can hear me say

That who I am today is because of your upbringing and sweat

You nurtured and groomed me from a seed into this strong tree

Without your love, guidance and care I could never have learnt to thrive

Your beauty grace and wit has inspired me and still never fails to enthrall

I make this promise to you to never let you down or go astray

For all that you have done dear mother; I shall forever be in debt

Higher even than thee, in my eyes, you shall eternally be

I wish there was some way that you I could revive

And somehow you would always be at the distance of a call

To you with all the love in my heart homage I shall forever pay

And hope that for you the best in the afterlife is to come yet

That the place you are in now should be a source of envy

In the land of eternal peace and bliss you shall arrive

Where no pain or tragedy on you can ever befall

Utopian Myth

The last vestiges of daylight are disappearing fast into the twilight and with the dim dank world closing in on me I gradually feel myself being pulled into the darkness, heavy lidded and slipping away. As the memories begin to fade away there is a moment of absolute clarity, the kind most people attribute true awakening and attainment of inner peace to. At this moment I feel a deep sense of contentment with my life and an accompaniment of heightened senses, and though I was skeptical my life is indeed flashing through my mind.

The cosy feeling of being nestled in a cocoon of love and tenderness was my first memory of this world, the place where I was most cherished and protected, I remember wishing to be forever a part of this oh so welcoming home of mine. They would talk about nothing but me, with so many hopes and dreams already in their eyes, it was as though through me they would get to relive their lives in the most magnificent ways and realize all their unfulfilled dreams. I felt like a princess in a fairy tale, there wasn't much left for me to wish for in life, but being human I succumbed to the temptations and asked for my people to love me just the same, exactly the way I was eternally. My juvenile mind had not yet learned the ways of this world and hence could never have wrapped my head around what was to come next.

After this pampered phase of my life I was jolted out of my comfort zone, I didn't know why but there was pandemonium around me and all the fights, screaming matches were getting to me, even as I remained clueless as to what it was all about. For days on end my mom’s crying would pierce through the grey clouds of my deep slumber, leave me deeply disturbed without any inkling of how to comfort her. Gradually I picked up on the gist of the arguments and a picture began to shape up slowly out of the swirling mass of confused thoughts that had been wrecking havoc in my head over the past few days. A doctor’s appointment and something about a boy had been at the center of it all. Gradually my panic began to ebb but I was worried for my mom and her health as I had heard time and again of how she needed to take care of herself, eat healthy etc. My knowledge of doctors had been very limited as they popped up infrequently in family conversations, as far as I knew they were magicians who could fix any problem and hence I relaxed back into the creature comforts of my existence.

The visit to the hospital was a jarring experience imprinted in my memory forever, what had started off as a routine check up quickly morphed into a never ending nightmare that continues to haunt me till date. When we entered into the pristine compound of the hospital I was assailed by the all too familiar yet still overpowering smell of clinical disinfectants. Around us people were bustling about taking care of patients, listening to grievances and administering both advice as well as treatments. We left behind the chaos and moved to a cooler dimly lit corridor with a slight draft where a nurse ushered us in with a hushed command. Once inside the doctor’s chambers there was a frenzied discussion with the doctor and a quiver of questions shot at him by my family, but I missed most of it as my attention had drifted to the occupants of the ward who had been moaning and complaining continually, I guess that was my first brush with human suffering. I came back to where my family now sat quiet and resolute as though a grave verdict had been passed looking expectantly, even as my grandma handed over a fat wad of notes over to the nurse, who drew us away and began preparing for something in earnest.

I had been so engrossed in the sad state of affairs and the painful stories of the varied occupants of the ward that it took me a while to realize that we were now at an operation theatre and then there was a sharp stinging pain, the feeling of being disembodied and then a disconnect from my reality as I had known it when I was brutally ripped away with some sort of metal tongs and discarded along with medical waste. I was already unnerved by the experience when it dawned on me that my family was no longer around me; I had become truly and hopelessly lost. I remember waking up to pungent smells and an assortment of scattered rotten objects around me, I who had had a plush and cushioned luxurious lifestyle so far was now lying near a garbage dump. I started feeling dizzy and disoriented as though I was slowly losing all sense of who I was, when rallying all the strength I had left in me I brought the world back into focus. There were loud sirens of police vans as they sped away to prevent some crime from happening I reckoned, recalling the bedtime stories, but some time later I saw money exchanging hands and the supposed guardians of society brutalize a minor in a shady corner. The world of goodness that had been introduced to me was slowly coming apart in front of my horrified eyes.

My mind was still numb from processing the reigning chaos I had been abandoned in, but there were more horrors in store. It was as though life had decided to burden me with all of its truths and reveal its true colours in such a short span. Then the world around me vibrated and I tumbled down to the moist earth, and all at once I found kindred spirits there lying in the soiled earth, in the so called dregs of our society. The ground was home to others who had been attacked, their spirits crushed, they had all been subjected to grave injustices at the hands of this society; like me they too had been abandoned, all illusions about humanity lost in the face of tragedy.

As I lay there now fully aware of the fate that lay ahead of me, I resented my family for ripping my chance at life from me just because I had made the mistake of being a girl. All those hopes and dreams that they had led me to believe I was entitled to, had been destroyed within moments of finding out what I would grow up to be. I had never asked them for anything but their betrayal had still come as a shock, because in the months that I was growing up, I had been showered with such love and care and their eager anticipation for my arrival had lulled me into a false sense of security. When I was ripped out from my home with extreme force and left to die in a dustbin at the side of a road my world had come shattering down, left me with a bitter taste.

But as the waves of resentment and anger receded, another idea germinated, one that was far more dark and twisted than would have been expected from someone who had not yet even been born into the society I had heard so much about. I thought back to all the undesirable elements I had encountered and the pain and suffering I had witnessed this society inflict on its members, and realized with a weird sense of exhilaration that I did not want to be a part of it anyway. That maybe what I had considered as backstabbing on the part of my family might actually have been the best thing to happen to me. Because I now knew beyond a trace of doubt that the utopia that had been heard so much about and looked forward to being a part of from the sweet confines of my mother’s womb was just a myth … real society was a horror that I no longer possessed a desire to be a part of. And with this conviction came that rare moment of clarity, when your entire life flashes in front of you. But what for most people was joy at having lived a full life, came to me as relief that I had escaped the tumultuous journey that would have been life in this often barbaric and unjust society. That is the last discernible thought that I am conscious of as I slip into the bright lights and welcoming warmth of what I suppose is the afterlife, and I leave behind this bit of me to rot and become one with the world I am leaving behind.

In the Land of the Goddesses

In the land of the goddesses, where girls were said to be an incarnation of the deities, they are today being subjected to the most heinous acts of inhumanity. I am sure everyone must have by now read or heard about the horrific gang rape in Delhi that has left the girl in a coma. As expected there has been the usual uproar, media campaigns, protests, candle light vigils etc. that have become the norm post any tragedy in recent times. There have also been the loud and angry calls for better policing, fast-track courts and the more extreme death penalty. While I am in agreement with most of these reactions and even the demands more or less make good sense what I find lacking in the public response is any introspection as a society into what is leading India, a country that once worshiped the sacred feminine into violating them at every instance possible.

If today you ask any female across regions, religions, social standing or even age they would all have at one time or another been subjected to some form of harassment be it eve teasing or other more serious offences. And contrary to the general perception of the police officials, as witnessed by the recent Tehelka sting operations, these females would not even fall under one category, let alone satisfy their assumption of being too forward, skimpily dressed or just out late at night. We as a society have failed miserably in providing a safe and secure atmosphere for the women kind to breathe in and have in addition placed the burden of responsibility for any mishap on their victimized shoulders.

I agree with the raised voices that have been demanding severe punishment for the perpetrators to serve as a deterrent for all those inhuman monsters who think that they can violate someone in the worst possible manner and get away with it. But that is all to avenge the wrong that has been already done. Each of us in our own way, no matter how trivial it may seem in the context of the bigger picture, has contributed to this growing menace. So the next time you eye a passing girl and pass inappropriate comments on her, or call a girl you know absolutely nothing about a slut, or think that just because some girl is assertive and independent she needs to be shown her place, or think that just because a girl hangs out late or with guys is easy, believe me when I say this you are part of the mindset that has created this monster and made getting unbiased justice for the victims an impossibility. No one regardless of their personal choices, dress code or social conduct deserves to be treated with such brutality. Remember this the next time you think about indulging in such behaviour, you are feeding the monster.

And the only thing that I have to say to all those cops who are supposed to protect these victims, and who believe that the rapes were justified or even consensual despite medical evidence stating otherwise, go and take a look at the real statistics. India is a country where there is enormous social stigma attached to being a rape victim so women don't come to you for a quick buck or fun, they do so for justice. And the next time you judge someone know that some day it might be your mother, sister, wife or daughter sitting on the other side of the table fighting to save the last shreds of her dignity and someone like you might take it away from them on the pretext of them having invited it. And the vicious cycle of this never ending evil would continue unchecked....

Lost Innocence

The world around us is ever changing and in this fast paced life we hardly ever pause to reflect on our state of existence. Some day we look at the mirror and see a stranger staring back at us. The innocent child with his wondrous view of the world is lost in the face of the harsh realities of life ...

Born in the land of snow, amidst the white expanse pristine

Pure of sin, glittering with innocence melted on to a new course

With a clear conscience reflecting all that passed on my way

Gaining speed & souvenirs through newly discovered lands I grew

En-route my journey, picking up debris I was no longer as clean

Encountering obstacles, rocks, mountains, trees, weakening my force

Passing through towns, facing resistance, they turned my path away

Soiling me, wailing & protesting I stood as trash onto me they threw

Changing my colour, muddied the spotless walls of my soul have been

Trying to dissolve in me the dirt, siphoning it, purifying their source

Freeing them from the pain, the blood and grim is within me going to stay

On a lone voyage to rid the world of troubles, a mission with a one man crew

I trudge on ahead on my duty, even with the world acting eternally mean

Flowing along bear witness to sins waiting patiently for signs of remorse

Trying to influence, bringing back on course all who have gone astray

Being the constant companion in the hardships all their life through

Going my way, the dirtiest and worst of the world I have now seen

Slowing me down, this bruising & beating passage, has been all too coarse

Mourning my inability to fight their battles I long for hope and a better day

How all this is affecting me and darkening my clear self they have no clue

Surrounded by the dregs, worst of the world, tragedy I have foreseen

I have been trying to caution them, shouting warnings till I go hoarse

My heart filled with pain, for their enlightenment every day I pray

For I can’t protect them forever, I am destined to end in the sea deep blue.       

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Its that time of the year when wishes, hugs, chocolates, gifts make the rounds and there are proclamations & promises of undying friendship are made. I'm not going to be a hypocrite and claim not to be swept away by the festivities ... there was a time when as a kid receiving those colour riot of friendship bands and being called as someone's best friend would have secured me a spot on cloud nine. But with passage of time and encounters with some wonderfully weird people with their unconditional support and presence, the word friendship has taken on a new dimension.

Living in a hostel, miles from home, friends turn into a kind of surrogate family acting as friend, philosopher, guide and partner in crime. From being constant companions when troubling the professors or cribbing about exams, to chilling out at all times playing pranks and bickering away the blues ... to the childhood friends who know me inside out and can read me like a book. You have always been there for me making sure that time and distance never mattered, because through all that changed around us, our hearts were always linked.

The fun is amplified when you guys are around and your insanity has become an integral part of my life, just like you. Having you around made even the most mundane tasks and mind boggling formulas seem like they could be mastered in the blink of an eye. You made me comfortable with the person who I was and inspired me to be better, applauding every achievement, encouraging me towards my dreams.  There was your shoulder eternally present for me to cry on as you drew away my sorrows and wiped away the tears.

You have known the best and worst of me, seen my strengths and weaknesses and never once have you judged me or deserted me. And even though Friendship Day is just another one of those endless days of our togetherness its important to me because I don't say it often enough how glad I am that I found you and can share my journey, with the knowledge that somewhere out there are people who care. So thank you for all the fun, talks, debates, fights, sharing of troubles, problem solving, thank you for everything. You guys make me look forward to everyday of my life, for everything is an adventure when you have good company.

Wish you all a very Happy Friendship Day !!!! 

Someday

The secret of survival of the human species is credited to its adaptability. The situations we might find ourselves in or the hardships that we may face mold each of us differently but never cease to affect us. Everything that comes our way impacts us and shapes the people that we become eventually. Even a faint glimmer of hope can carry us through miles of our journey. There is always a belief that a better tomorrow awaits us. Someday ...

Someday the lone traveller will embark on a new journey

Leave behind the sorrows of the life that is now long past

Someday the thorns of the road will cease to make him bleed

Soothe the wounded soul the passing time will eventually heal

Someday the dark night will give way to a fresh new dawn

Its light will drive away from the corners the hidden despair

Someday the broken heart will be safe and whole again

The cracks in its walls will fill and gradually start to fade

Someday those forbidden memories wont scare and haunt

Letting go he will no longer seek forgiveness and redemption

Someday the injustice of the world he will learn to forget

Believe again in the good of the world with hope renewed

Someday the tears will dry, nightmares will grow scarce

Friends as guardian angels will wipe all of their traces away

Someday faith in the wisdom of the Gods will be restored

Reason behind all the suffering will make a little sense

Someday the cynic will lose its suspicion and distrust

Risk it all again in the quest to remember what it was like

Someday the traveler will let go, leave it all behind
That will be the day when embracing it all he lives again

Memories

Another one of my poetic indulgences. Here I am dedicating this to everyone who at some point in their lives has loved & lost. Hope they rest in peace and know that they will always be in our thoughts and hearts ... 

Standing at the pier, out to the horizon I gaze

An eternity has gone by, but feels like mere days

Gentle waves crashing onto the rocky shore

But even this exquisite canvas holds no allure

The sky is clear, desolate stillness of a storm past

You have been gone, but the memories forever last

I feel your breath as the wind whispers my name

Try hard as I might, this pain I cannot tame

The moments to sundown are all that’s left

Today was the day when we did part

My world came crashing, I was shattered and bereft

Even now, still missing is a piece of my heart

Walk down this lane every year I do

Lone figure here, I let down the walls

Love, yearning and pain, my heart aches for you

With faith that you are here somewhere my heart calls

You are no longer here, in my mind I know

Left me behind, you have a long time ago

But you are here for me, I still am sure

Till that’s true, this pain I shall endure

Bid goodbye I do, with the fading light

Walk back to the world into the endless night

I know someday I will see you again

Embrace you, my lost love, let go of the pain.